Tuesday, March 2, 2010

What If The Aliens Are Lesbian Atheists?

Exhaustion is my drug of choice and there seems to be no limit as to how much can be ingested these days. Sleep has come to visit for four or five hours in the last forty-eight and it is seriously feeling weird. Last night, er, this morning, as I drove home from work I saw a falling star, and I wondered what I would do if it turned out to be an alien spacecraft from another world.
For course, me being me, my first thought was, “Mike, you idiot, if it were an alien spacecraft it would have to be from another world!” But then I wondered what I would do if I got home and it was sitting in the yard. My first reaction would be I had ingested one too many of those energy drinks, and really needed to cut down, or I was dreaming, but what if aliens emerged, what the hell would I do?

Let’s suppose evolution on other planets followed the same path as here, and if you’ve got problems with the evolution thing go ahead and bail because this is just going to piss you off. Anyway, I was thinking aliens would have figured out the whole impregnation and childbirth thing using turkey basters and test tubes so sex as a means of procreation would have long gone out the hatch of Shuttle Bay Three. This would leave sex as a matter purely of pleasure, but the only gender who would likely be doing the procreating for the sake of procreating, would be the females, if there were anything at all like us. Think about it; how many single dads are there versus single moms? If the people who were single moms and dads could choose the gender of their kids, they would chose females, simply because historically speaking, human males are far more trouble than they are worth. Human male invented machine guns, atom bombs and television. Women invented Kevlar, windshield wipers, and the trash can with the lid that pops open when you step on the pedal. I’m thinking alien women would produce more alien women, because alien men would still be lost in space because they cannot ask for directions, and end up molesting drunk fishermen in Mississippi. I’m more than willing to bet that since that Mississippi fishermen episode, male aliens have been on a serious decline.
Anyway, after centuries of the male aliens going off and getting lost, or inventing new ray guns, the female would be quietly breeding them out of the loop, in test tubes, until one day, a ship lands in my front yard, and I’m confronted with extraterrestrial life with a serious attitude problem against life forms who pee in the yard.

It only is going to get worse for us humans in general, and us guys in particular, if these lunar lesbians aren’t religious. Multibillion dollar industries related to religious addiction will come to a halt if they stand up to a microphone and say, “There are no gods.”
Of course, because they’re lesbians, and because they’re from somewhere else, and because they are cutting off the collection plate, you can bet there is going to be a serious backlash against this sort of behavior. And honestly, even if they tell us they’ve been watching us since a million years ago, and have video of dinosaurs and the building of the pyramids, and snapshots of the first emu, I’m willing to bet there will be those who think it’s a satanic plot. The followers of Islam would have a fit. Well, they’re having fits anyway, over comics, so it really doesn’t matter what happens they’ll be having fits.
As a species who regularly promotes silicone implants in women, we would have some explaining to do. Likewise the idea women have had the right to vote for a less than one hundred years in most part of this country, and that funny little pay disparages thing, well, I’m willing to bet that might last about as long as jokes about the dyke with her finger in the dame. Toilets would be made with seats that let down automatically, and softball would become the national sport overnight. Of course the aliens might full well be gay males, and in that case they would land near Broadway and we wouldn’t have to worry about them again until the last show.

Mostly, we human do not get it right, or we would not need atomic bombs or machine guns, or genocide. What are we to tell them if a Jackal Headed alien steps off the ship looking for Ramses? If followers of Baal show up in a UFO, what the hell are we going to do then? There are thousands of religious long since destroyed, and we would be totally shocked to discover one of them might have been the One True Religion, or perhaps ever worse to some, if we were to discover there wasn’t a god or anything like that at all.

Yet in the end, I wonder how many people, whether they be Christian, or Jewish, or Moslem, or Pagan, or whatever faith they might be, I wonder how secure and happy they would be if someone walked off a spacecraft, and told them they were right all along. Given proof positive the way you thought you were supposed to be living was the one true way, I wonder if we humans would be able to change the way we have always been.

Take Care,