Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Traffic

There are days there seems to be some sort of Internet meme gone viral and it states that for every driver that doesn’t do something totally stupid while behind the wheel of their vehicle, somewhere a mother’s heart is broken, a kitten dies, and if you pass it on to twenty-three people something really cool will happen in your inbox while you have good luck for seven days.
One thing I will point out here is if you see someone in a car or a truck pointing, this is a bad sign. Today I was behind someone in a white Cadillac from Florida, also very bad, and the passenger pointed. First they pointed South, as if to say, “There! I have seeeeen the Promised Land!” but then they pointed north, as if to say, “Uh, no wait, it’s over there. “ The driver did what people usually do when confronted with a choice. He stopped. In the middle of a five lane road, with a turn lane in the middle,  this person decides not to decide, and he stops. I blew my horn at him because the person behind me was blowing their horn, and the lost driver flips me off.

That doesn’t top the guy in the semi truck who tried to block me from going around him on the paved shoulder of the road.  Hey! I work on the road. I have a truck with an official seal and flashy lights and it’s my job to go around people so I can get to that place up there that is causing traffic to slow down to *oh god no!* the speed limit. So he tries to block me which might have killed me if I didn’t have this inherent distrust of human beings.  Moreover, he has one of those, “How’s my driving call 1-800 please heaven on earth someone stop me before I kill again” numbers.  I get the number on my cell call in the guy, and here I am driving along beside him talking to his boss while he’s blowing his horn and acting like a moron. Hear that sound? That’s the sound of the money you have invested in payroll acting like a sixteen year old on his first road trip.

We closed a road to build a bridge and the old bridge was taken totally out, and a new one was being built on the site where the old bridge once stood.  This guy pulls up and asks, “Is the road closed?”  Hmmm, let’s see, the old bridge is gone. The new bridge is being built and all there is right now is a lot of piles ticking out of the earth without a bridge on top of them, so, okay, I would say, yes, sir, you are correct.” I can’t actually be a smart ass to people like this. I want to sometimes, but…

If you haven’t noticed it yet, most interstate highways have fences running alongside of them, and one day I noticed a car riding on the top of the back slope, parallel to the fence. I won’t put a truck on a slope if I can help it, so I stopped and waited until they came to a point where it was truly steep, and they had to back up. What were they doing? They didn’t want to go to the next exit, three miles down the road, so they decided to see if there was a side road up on the slope that led through the fence. Can. Not. Be. Smart. Ass.

A friend of mine has decided to commit suicide, but he’s really not into guns, hanging, or pills, oh no. He confronts people in traffic when they do something that annoys him. If someone cuts him off in traffic he’ll get out at the next light and yell at them. I told him he’s going to get shot doing this, or someone is going to get out of a truck on day and beat him to death. He followed some guy to a restaurant and the guy called the cops on him. The cops pulled my friend over a few blocks away, and he was totally shocked they were not going to give the offending driver a ticket for being a moron.  “But he cut me off in traffic!”

The guy who made himself famous in this part of the world was the elderly guy who was headed down to Florida with his wife and at a rest stop the woman totally disappeared. He looked all over for her, but she was not to be found. He called the cops and they started looking for her, and suddenly it looked as if someone had kidnapped her. Worse, she always carried his cell phone for him in her purse so he couldn’t call her. He couldn’t remember his cell phone number, or her cell phone number, but he did remember the number to the place she got her nails done back home in Michigan, so the cops called this place, got her cell phone number and called her. She was one rest stop back where he had left her. He had forgotten she was with him, stopped at the next rest stop, and then remembered she was supposed to be there. And she let him drive because he was the careful one.

The number one driver who truly made me question both divine creation and evolution was the guy who wanted to tow his car to his mother’s house with his truck, but didn’t have any help. He tied the steering wheel down on the car with a tow strap, chained the car to the truck, and crept down the road like a snail. Had he been going a few miles down the road, it would have been fine, and all he would have was a few dents in his bumpers, but he was going to drive one hundred and twenty miles like this. On a hill, the car pushed into the truck, and pushed him into a ditch. He claimed that he was chasing someone who had stolen his truck, and would have gotten away with it had he remembered the steering wheel had been strapped.

Take More care,
Mike

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