Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Biggest of Big Weddings.

Dee and I have been dating the last six months or so and I’ve been sucked into her world totally, not that it’s such a bad thing. She’s a social person, with a lot of friends, and there are times when we would go here or go there because this person or that person would be there. We hang out with Alex, her ex-husband and his girlfriend, and I find that weird. We also do the parent thing for her two kids, Toni, a bright and energetic thirteen year old who is nearly thirty, and her nine year old son, Randy, who is a quiet bookworm. I like Randy’s tastes in books and he’s always ecstatic when I tell him about Sci-fi he’s never read before.
Marcy is Dee’s best friend from grade school and for reasons no one can figure, her and her long term partner, Todd, have decided not only to get married but to throw a giant wedding, not a big wedding but a giant wedding, one that would make Scarlett O’Hara said, “Damn, that’s ostentatious don’t you think?” I get roped in as a usher because Dee is a bridesmaid and there are eleven practice runs between here and the middle of September, do not ask I have no idea why September, but that’s when everyone’s social life will come to some sort of culmination.

Dee seems to be the kind of person who would go along with some giant party simply because everyone else is going in the same direction, and I’m not sure I like it. We met at the Y, she works out hard, she’s a good mom, but she doesn’t write, and I’m totally uncomfortable talking about writing around her circle of friends. Her brother, Jake, is a bit of a redneck, and I can see why Dee hitched her wagon to people who are living a life well above how she was raised. There’s a little restaurant near the Y that’s more atmosphere than substance and I’ve found myself there more often than I like. Marcy’s friends are okay but they rarely talk about anything truly interesting and this damn wedding has consumed them all like Bilbo Baggins’ birthday party taking over The Shire.

Dee was weird about sex because she knew a girl in High School that had sex with five guys over the length of High School and everyone she went to school with thought this woman was the epitome of all things evil. The girl drank and smoked cigarettes. She skipped classes. She wore low cut skirts. She even stayed out past nine in the evening on school nights. Dee lived a guarded life in High School and on our third date she told me she had only slept with four men in her entire life, and that number five thing bothered her. Three of the men she had slept with were married, one was dead, and one was her ex-husband, so she figured sooner or later she would have to go to five to get laid again. Now she felt really bad for all the things she had thought about that poor girl in High School, and it was weird even listening to a conversation like this, much less trying to piece together my part in it.

I’ve always been rather amoral sexually. As long as you aren’t doing anything unsafe and you aren’t hurting anyone else, and you aren’t taking reproductive risks, what you do with your body, and whoever’s body who happens to be willing with you, that is certainly your own business. That’s the big thing I don’t get about the whole gay issue; how is it what other people do with their sex lives affects me?
But that’s a problem with Dee, too. She views sexual amorality in the same light as sexual immorality, and was more than just a little appalled at my views on sexuality. It was a sticking point for a while, but she made me swear I would not cheat on her, not like I would, and despite her misgivings about having a lover for the fifth time in her life, things went as well as I could have expected and better than I had hoped.

With every wedding there has to be some sort of prenuptial celebration. Dee, Marcy, and the rest of the wedding participants were to go have a night on the town drinking, and Toni and Randy were to spend the night over here with me and the mutts. They brought every Disney movie ever put out on DVD with them, and I checked my text messages that read, “OMG! Marcy just sang ‘Proud Mary’ at karaoke!!!!!!!” and that sort of thing. I fell asleep in the middle of some movie about a boy and his peach, and when I woke up the kids had crashed on the sofa as well. It was almost seven in the morning, and so what better way to start the day than to go get breakfast in Valdosta and, by the way, waking your hungover girlfriend in the process? I told the kids we were going to get pancakes, and Toni swooned. She loves the blueberry syrup as if it was her very lifeblood. I’ve never seen anyone slurp down that much blue stuff.

We used my key to get into their house and I told the kids to go wake up their mom, they burst into her bedroom and suddenly everything stopped. Dee sat up in bed with her mouth open, trying to say something, and the guy next to her rolled over and looked around like he was lost too. Toni started screaming at her, and I cannot in good conscious here repeat the words but there were pretty wicked for a thirteen year old. They guy got up, realized he was nude, tried to grab a sheet and managed to uncover Dee who was trying to get everyone out , and I simply walked out of the room, and out of the house.

A cop pulled me over for speeding and he asked me why I was in such a hurry and I looked at him, and asked him if this was a dream, if any of it was real. He shook his head and told me it wasn’t, that was why he pulled me over, and I woke up. Dee, Toni, Randy, Marcy, and everyone else evaporated like the dark does before dawn. Before I made it to the kitchen to get some coffee they were all gone, except what you see of them here.

Take Care,


  1. Oh my gosh! I'm sitting here with my mouth on my chest!

    1. Damn, for a second there I thought you had fallen asleep and was dreaming.