Monday, August 23, 2010


Since I’ve settled down in the last few days and done some serious writing it has caused an outbreak of Dog Attention Defect Disorder , also known as DADD. All three of my companion canines have been afflicted, but Lucas seems to have the worst case. He also has developed Excessive Exothermic Examination Knack, or EEEK! In short, the tip of Luke’s nose is colder than an ex-wife working as a waitress when her former arrives with a much younger woman wearing a rock.

So there I am, pounding out the next chapter to the Great American Novel, when Lucas, who hasn’t been petted in minutes walks up behind me and puts the coldest dog nose on earth on my bare skin. Why, yes, this might be solved with clothing, but it’s August in South Georgia and I am not wearing anything that isn’t required by either law or to keep my feet from being chewed off when I go outside to pee.

It’s a guy thing, peeing outside, but in my case it’s easier. If I pee inside I have to take the really thick book off the toilet seat, lift it up, pee, flush, put the lid down, and put the really thick book back. You would not believe the trouble caused if the steps in this process go awry. They haven’t yet, and they are not likely to because I don’t drink as much or as often as I once did, but anyway, I wear almost nothing and slip on rubber boots to pee outside. The boots are thick enough to keep a small snake from biting me, because they’re rubber fireants won’t stick to them, and because they are waterproof, if Lucas noses me while I’m peeing I won’t get wet feet.

Lucas no longer collides. This is a great comfort to me, and the Elder Mutts, but my vet no longer plans to send her kids to Harvard. There for a while Lucas was discovering the Universal Constant of Force equals Mutt times Acceleration, and always when it was an object like a tree or a lawnmower, or a wall, Lucas would slam into it then come running to me as if I was to blame or I could fix it. I think Bert nearly chewed one of his ears off and that stopped him from colliding with his brothers, and one night he collided with me while I was peeing and he slept outside for a night then got hosed down the next morning. I got a shower and rubber boots.
And by the way, it is also a dog thing. I’m the only man you’ll ever meet who puts the lid down every time. Every single time and then I put a book on top of it otherwise Bert will open the lid and drink out of the toilet. He also likes to walk around in the shower when I’m done. There are always fresh dog tracks in my shower if I don’t close the door behind me after I leave the shower. One day I let Sam out, and then called and called for Bert, and I found him trapped in the bathroom. I had closed the door behind me, but he had slipped in while I was in the shower, and yes, there were dog tracks in the shower that time too.

Wasn’t thing about writing at one point in time before we went off on some you’re a peeing adventure with colliding canines and shower floor mutts?

Lucas likes to push with his nose, and he has discovered it works. Short of being in mid orgasm I cannot think of a human activity that cannot be stopped by the cold nose of a dog when applied properly. That has never happened by the way, at least not to me. I did date a woman with three dogs who began to howl when she was in mid orgasm, and her neighbors must have wondered what all the fuss was about. I had this odd urge to write a short story about a woman whose dogs howled when she was having sex but they just sat there and howled when someone murdered her because they were used to the screaming.

Coffee, Mike, you know, after midnight, even if you’re on nightshift, you might want to step away from the beans, man, because you know, this is all getting all just a little too much informational.

It’s odd how ordinary body functions become humorous or uncomfortable when we put them in some context other than ordinary. I’ve always wanted to put one hundred nude people in a room with no walls and no place to hide, with the showers and toilets in the open like they are in basic training in the Army, and see how long it would take people to give up on hiding what everyone known we all do. If it never got dark, and these hundred people had to work, sleep, play, and live together with no walls and no darkness, who would be the first couple to just plop down on the floor and start going for it like animals do? Social graces are invented things, and we know this, but how many of you close the door to the bathroom when you’re home alone?  How many of you wear clothes when you would feel better off nude?

Sam likes to put one paw on my leg and stare. Sam’s got this left paw thing going and he’ll put it on Bert’s head or Luke’s head and just sit there with a paw on someone. Sam is a tactile creature and it comforts him to be in contact with anyone else. With me it’s the leg, with the other dogs it’s the head, and I wonder why not their backs or their butts or… I mean, why?

Sam needs more attention than the other two dogs, and Luke needs a more than Bert, but when Bert wants to talk, he comes in and nudges me a bit. Bert doesn’t want random kindness or nonstop attention, he just wants to know I’m still here, and I still love him.  He knows I do, but he needs to be told and he needs to tell me.

People are like dogs, you know. They have different ways of trying to get attention, and different ways of giving it, but they’re all just saying what dogs say with their noses.

Take Care,


  1. Re humorous bodily functions: I am chuckling because I am thinking of the way many pregnant women will talk casually about bodily issues that are in other circumstances considered private. I remember when my brother's wife was pregnant for the first time, and it was a week or so before the baby was born, and she was sitting on our couch with her legs spread and her hands pretty much in her crotch, hollering, "Please GOD get this damned bowling ball out from between my legs soon!"

  2. I am happy sometimes to be a man, and this would be one of those times