Friday, December 31, 2010

Liar, Liar

I’ve always been a good liar. But once I started writing I could tell people I had a talent for fiction which is exactly the same thing, one way or the other. There have been times I have said things I knew wasn’t true, but the words came out of my mouth, or off the keyboard and when it was all said and done there was nothing I could do about it, other than admire my ability to recreate reality in my own mind. I tend to believe men are better writers than women only because women have a harder time lying with as much lack of conscious as men do.
Back when there was so much trouble with the Hubble telescope, someone asked aloud why it was called Hubble. Without missing a beat or blinking an eye, I told them that Hubble was derived from Hydrogen Bubble. The telescope was able to take such incredible shots because the light was filtered by a series of pure hydrogen bubble layers which acted the very same way as a dragonfly’s eyes. The computer took all of these images and kept only the ones that were perfect, like you’d do at a one hour photo place, and the results were all the images were supposed to be really good. The problem was the hydrogen tended to settle out after a while, and the device that kept it foamy was broke.
Of the four people in the room, two totally believed me, one knew me and knew exactly what I was doing, and one person rolled their eyes at the idiots in the newspapers that had gotten it sp totally wrong.
One of my greatest works of fiction came on a very hot Summer day at Panama City Beach. I had driven down to the beach in hopes of meeting a beautiful woman, which in itself was a self delusion worthy of a Pulitzer, and had gotten nowhere all day long. Alas! Or the lack of therein, was about to drive me to drive home, when I stopped at a store for some more beer. There was a car with two really great looking women, and they had the hood up. YAY! I offered my help, but the car just would not start. We stood there, and around other people in general, and women in particular, I was always at a loss at what to say. The jumper cables were tight, but their engines weren’t turning in more ways than one.  I finally got behind the wheel of their car to try it myself, and lo! The woman, beautiful and quickly running out of patience with me, had not put her car in park.
“You know,” I said suddenly the Master Mechanic, “if you’ve been running the AC all day long your forward condenser might be frozen, and you might have to shake it loose.”  I talked the two women into standing on the bumper of the car and jumping up and down as I sat behind the wheel and watched. After a few jiggles and some restrained giggles, I slipped the car into park and it cranked right up. I didn’t get so much as a phone number from either woman but the guy who ran the store fell over laughing at them.
Years ago I was dating a really nice woman who had a friend named Sherry. It wasn’t I dislike Sherry but she did have a tendency to repeat anything I said back to my girlfriend, and most of it was out of context. Sherry was good friends with one of my roommates so it wasn’t like I could get rid of her. I told my girlfriend I thought Sherry had a crush on me, and that she was trying to break us up, so she could have me. My girlfriend thought this was funny, but little did she know the wheels were already turning. Sherry was hanging out at my apartment, and I knew she would be, so when I got home I took out this bottle of whiskey and started talking to someone on the phone. There was no one on the other end of the line, of course, and the whiskey was actually iced tea. I told Sherry not to mention that was I was going out and away I went. I made a beeline straight to my girlfriend’s place, and spent the night there. My roommate, all this while, got Sherry more than a little drunk, and told her I was seeing some other woman. He took her to other side of town, showed my lover’s house, gave Sherry a name I had invented, and then they went out drinking some more.

The next day Sherry nearly killed herself puking up the news of my betrayal and my girlfriend promptly took her head off. Sherry swore I had been drinking whiskey right out of the bottle right before I left, and my girlfriend swore I was totally sober when I got to her place. Sherry thought my girlfriend was just trying to protect me so she went over to my lover’s house to confront her.  I had no idea who really lived there but I do know they were unhappy with Sherry’s story of the women who lived there being my lover, because she was married. That caused the husband of the woman to get into the conversation, and because the two had been alone the night before, and she not with me, he all but tosses Sherry out of the apartment on her head. The cops got involved and the next thing we knew Sherry had been arrested for trespassing.
Years later I told Sherry the truth about what we had done, and how we had done it. She was so totally pissed she put her clothes on and left. I can’t remember what I had told her to get her clothes off of her that night, but I do remember it involved telling her one of the constellations shared the same name as her middle name, but it was something I had just made up.

Take Care,


  1. Enjoy

  2. Now that's the Mike I know! Happy New Year! Bring it in well!

  3. Dude....stop screaming!

    Last night was a blast, as far as I can remember.