Monday, January 31, 2011

...and Innocent Men

My first experience with a male who seemed to be totally oblivious as to what truly pissed his mate off was when I was living with one of my sisters’ husband to be.  He was well meaning, but did not understand why being friends with a woman he had slept with might bother my sister. It wasn’t that he was romantically involved with the woman in question they were just friends-with-benefits and for reasons that escaped him entirely, he couldn’t see why anyone would think they might still be doing such things just because they went out drinking together. Personally, I liked the idea of the woman hanging around for perfectly legitimate reasons, and that was she mixed a great Long Island Iced Tea, but I also knew if my sister discovered I was sleeping with the enemy, so to speak, there would be blood. Blood is thicker than alcohol, so I fell in behind the safest position I could, even though I kinda missed the poor woman.
            Sometimes, when things get all weird and wooly, it is simply a matter of miscommunication that is the problem. A friend of mine came over one night and we were just sitting around drinking and he left at the appointed hour of his return to his wife. That was about eleven so I was quite surprised she called me at midnight to complain she had not seen him yet. Now, as all good men know, the last thing you do in a situation like this is tell the truth. The Code Of Men-Kin demands that in this case the formula be used, and the formula states that you give your friend the maximum amount of time you could when he goes missing. I told her he had just walked out of the apartment and was most surely on his way. In women-speak, a long and deafening silence right after Men-Kin formula has just be used is a very polite way of suggesting the truth is a stranger. She called an hour later and demanded to know the truth. Again, the formula kicked in again, and I told her I had just arrived back home, and had helped her husband change a flat tire, for a little old lady, who was broke down on the side of the road,
and …

            She hung up on me.

            I conferred with the voices…
            Voice One: Dude! What if he’s been in a wreck? Damn, man, go look for him!
            Voice Two: Call her back and tell the truth. Let her go looking for him.
            Voice Three: You’ve had one too many, turn the phone off and go to bed.
            Voice Four: Man, if you go over there she might be wearing something thin, and it’s cold too…

            I turned the phone off, and it was a good thing, too. The man in question had gone straight home, but instead of going to bed, he crashed on the sofa, as men are wont to do. His wife never knew he was home, and because I had invoked Men-Kin formula, when she found him there the next morning, he was in trouble deep.

            Oh, and you’d think he was rightfully pissed at me, but I deftly defused that, but quick! He called to complain that I should have not been so quick to use The Code Of Men-Kin, but I said, “Dude! For all I knew you picked up some chick in the parking lot! How was I to know?” And once you suggest to a man that there was some possibility that he might have had some chance to so much as speak to a strange woman, much less sleep with her, he has to, has to according to Men-Kin Law, accept there was such a possibility.

            Not all Man Trouble is related to sex, and indeed, not nearly as much as we would have the rest of the world to believe. Sports is the single leading cause of trouble in most of the world of Men-Kin. A man is totally capable of lying on a sofa, drinking one beer after another, until there is no more football on television. A woman lives in constant fear there might be a man out there somewhere, doing nothing, or worse, actually enjoying doing nothing. I hid out two of my friends from their wives so they could watch a terribly important match-up between, damn, two teams, football, yes, and I think there might have been a bowl game but it escapes me right now.
They told their wives they had to help me with a plumbing problem, and that too, is Men-Kin, the helping with house and truck problems, to hide the fact the Ace Hardware Armadillo Texas Bowl is playing on a Friday Night on ESPN 17. The wives showed up with food about half way through the fixing, er, game, and noticed there were no tools lying around, except for us. It was not pretty. They took the food with them.
            By now most of you are keying on the fact that The Code Of Men-Kin is a euphemism for practiced lying. I have to allow there is more than a little truth to that, yes. But let’s face it, women of the world, if you ask a man if he rather spend time with you or go watch the game with his friends, you’d blow a fuse if he told you he has fifty on the Steelers and seven points. We men have seen this before, the man who really wants to get away from the house for a few hours only to be tracked down by a woman who is truly pissed that he escaped her gravitational pull for more than a few moments.
            The sad truth is most men are just older boys. We know only seven colors, we have no idea if the seat goes up or down, we don’t care which fork we’re suppose to use, we think your brother is a moron and  a loser, and deep down inside, despite the fact we get it wrong more often than right, we truly just want women to be happy. We want to you believe we’re a little more perfect and less flawed than we are. Face it, that isn’t the most implausible thing we would like for you to believe.

Take Care,
Mike

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