Thursday, January 27, 2011

Evil Tony

Evil Tony was one of those people who you could dress up nice, bath, shave, and sit him in the far corner of the room and as soon as someone walked in the door they would look at him and think, “Cheap White Trash”. They would be right, of course, because there was nothing anyone could do to change Evil Tony, and from his point of view there was nothing about him that needed changing at all. Evil Tony got his nickname from the fact there was another Tony who drank with us and he was “Good Tony”. The two could not have been more different, and both of them knew it, too.
            Evil Tony had one social skill, and the only one he ever really needed, and that was he knew someone who had pot. When no one else on earth could find smoke, Evil Tony could. Of course, this meant you had to go over to his trailer, or worse, he would deliver, and either way you were trapped with him for a while. The worst has already occurred before we met him, and he had procreated with a woman who seemed to realize she had made a colossal error as far as the gene pool went, and was looking to get out of the relationship any way she could, short of killing Evil Tony. She tried to seduce a friend of mine by following him into the bathroom while Tony tried to talk me into buying a genuine replica of a Revolutionary War flintlock pistol. It looked very much like something bought in a souvenir shop and I argued with Tony that it looked a lot more like a toy than a pistol so he decided to prove to me it would work. He managed to mange two shotgun shells open and got the black powder out of them, and without any knowledge or forethought loaded the pistol with the powered, plugged it with a glass marble, and then stuck a lighter to the little hole where the power was leaking from. The barrel of the pistol ripped open with a bang and sprayed Evil Tony with tiny pieces of hot metal. I was standing half a football field away and could still hear him scream. His wife and my friend emerged from the bathroom with red faces and she was wearing her shirt inside out. Thankfully, Evil Tony didn’t notice, but he had destroyed his pistol and mauled the last two shotgun shells.

            His wife left him one day, and took the kid with her, and everyone wonder why it took so long, but for reasons that escape everyone, he soon found another love. He picked up a woman at a rest stop, and convinced her he could fix her car for free, and what he managed to do was talk me and a friend of mine in helping him fix the car because he could go get pot if he had a ride. That was one of the reasons I stopped smoking is the caliber of character I had to deal with to make deals, and it seemed to get worse before it got better.
            The most famous interaction of the Two Tonys was when Good Tony’s car caught on fire and burned to the ground. He bitched about it, and everyone was sympatric, but he did have insurance so he wasn’t totally bummed. He was going to get a new car out of the deal. Evil Tony took notice of this, and the next thing we know he’s telling the story of how his car caught on fire and burned to the ground. He had a 1821 Ford Escort that ran great as long as it was downhill. He exclaimed he was sorry to lose the car, and we all looked at him weird for that, and then he said he had insurance so he was going to get a new car. Good Tony asked him if he had full coverage or just liability, and Evil Tony was momentarily confused. Did that matter? Worse, even had he had full coverage insurance, the 1821 Ford escort has only cost him two hundred bucks and his deductable was five hundred. We laughed until we cried at that one.
            Meanwhile, to make some quick cash, Evil Tony was going to get his new girlfriend to pretend to breakdown on the Interstate, hitch a ride with a guy, take him to a hotel, and then Tony would pretend to be her husband and they would scare the man into giving them all his money. This is actually an old scam that works on a regular basis near Army bases where they have boot camp. I know someone who fell for it. The problem with this is once Tony’s woman actually got a ride, Evil Tony rushed out of the woods to then follow them in her car, but she had stuck the keys in her pocket. He was stranded. He tried to hotwire the car but he hadn’t a clue as to how to do it, and while he was trying, a trooper pulled over and there was Evil Tony trying to hotwire a car that was not his. Evil Tony was in a world of trouble.
            The woman in question had befriended the man who gave her a ride, and he took her to a truck stop for some fried chicken and sweet tea. Totally wowed by a man who could afford such a nice meal, she quickly suggested they stop by where she was staying with a friend and get her stuff, and he agreed. Tony finally made it home to discover the man he had intended to rob had instead stolen his woman, and his television set, all fifteen inches of it.
            The last time I saw Evil Tony he was getting involved in one of those work at home stuffing envelop jobs and was trying to find investors for the project. You can talk stoned people into a lot of weird things, but work is rarely one of those things.

Take Care,
Mike

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