Sunday, February 13, 2011

Geese Are Evil.

The list of animals that I do not like, will not like, and will likely to continue to dislike just got longer; geese. Geese are evil. There are of Satan. There are winged messengers of all ill and there is no point in suffering them to live any longer than it takes to preheat the oven to four hundred degrees. And this is coming from a vegetarian. I don’t like geese. I do not care if they do taste like chicken or not. They are evil. I said that before and I will say it again; Geese are evil. I’ll have to look it up, but I am sure that in every holy book of every religion ever known to humankind the words “Geese Are Evil” is written.
            By and large, I do not believe in evil. I’m a big fan of snakes who are likely the very worst misunderstood animals on earth. Snakes are good people. They have their place in the Universe and are more beneficial to mankind than mankind is to snakes. If you are a rat or a mouse, and you wake up screaming in the middle of the night you’re having a nightmare about snakes. There are snakes who eat rats and mice and nothing much else, and we all should do what I do, and keep snakes under the house to keep the population of mice down. Snakes are also quite beautiful and graceful, in my opinion. There are more people killed on the way to the hospital than by snakes each year, but that is another story for another day. This is about the evilness of geese, never forget that point.
            There for a long time, the forces of good were winning the fight against the evilness of geese, and geese were not as big a problem as they have become. “Flying rats” is how they are being described now but those people who have had the revelation, but it is too late. The evil geese people have entrenched themselves and now we’re stuck with both geese people and their Winged Messengers of Doom. Like formations of Nazi bombers, geese now are seen over almost every American city, landing with their webbed feet spread out to carry off unsuspecting children, and destroy our way of life entirely. Do you think it is a coincidence they fly in the “V” formation, the same letter used in the sci-fi show where there are aliens come from above to feed off of us? I think not!
            Even the language of the creature is a noisome thing. The cacophony of the goose speech is harmful to pregnant women and the elderly. Most birth defects are caused by geese. Where there are geese the incident of alcohol and drug abuse rises. It was geese who were keeping the protesters in Egypt at bay. Oppressive governments have always used geese to suppress freedom. Why else would Hitler have his soldiers “Goose step”? Coincidence? I think not!
            Many years ago, some person of no small amount of evil and guile tricked my friend Elbow into buying some geese. They were small fuzzy creatures, just a pair of them, and they meeped and chirped most cutely. These were benign and harmless creatures we both thought. Yet soon we realized they were getting bigger and bigger, and more aggressive. Dragon like necks held sharp billed mouths connected to two flogging wings. These were more like feathered badgers than large ducks. When I arrive at Elbow’s house the dogs rush to greet me, barking and howling in delight, the horses nicker at me, and Meatball, the orange tabby arches her back and purrs at me. The geese? They honk and fuss, outraged at my presence. They go into full attack mode.
            A couple of years ago when Elbow went out of town and left me to take care of her farm everyone was happy. The horses loved it. The dogs loved it. The chickens and I got along great. The Hidden Cats came out to be petted by me. All in the Universe went well. Except, of course, for the geese, who declared that a state of war did exist. The male goose rushed at me, wings held high, neck down, and he attached himself to my leg, just above the ankle. I was wearing my lace up Wolverine boots, which though are not advertised as such, are fully and totally goose proof. Moreover, even though they are not advertised as such, they are fully and totally functional as goose launchers. As god as my witness, I thought geese could fly! They can if enough force is applied to their bodies. I’m just not going to be intimidated by an animal that doesn’t have teeth, claws, venom, or a large caliber hand gun, or one who isn’t smoking meth through a metal pipe while spitting out brimstone. I’ll stand toe to web with a goose and we’ll see who comes out on top of this mess. The male goose and I clashed early and often, and each time he came away with the idea that flying is best left to those who are not meeting leather against feather. Getting them into their enclosure was not any fun, and I had to chase them for an hour. But they did run from me, in the end.
            Elbow, bless her heart, is a deceived soul. She thinks she can domesticate these demons. Her legs, I suspect, are black and blue from the efforts, and she has actually increased the population of geese on her farm from two to four. Last night, as she was feeding the vile creatures, the same male which I have clashed with before, attached himself to her leg and began to flog her with his wings. As she was trying to feed the ungrateful beast! I waded into the enclosure with a metal rake and in a very diplomatic gesture of conciliation, disconnected the goose’s head from Elbow’s leg, thought not from his neck, as I wanted.
            Geese are vile and evil. If we do not break out the nuclear weapons and attack now, we can only assume they will.

Take Care,


  1. Funny post, and true! There are geese at the local lakeside park, and I swear, they have taken off after my little dog, Rambo. He stood his ground, but was surprised by the attack!

    I don't much care for black birds either; they travel in packs/flocks (reminds me of people who have a herd mentality), and will wipe out the bird feed in about 3 minutes, every one swooping in to feast, leaving nothing for the smaller birds. I know they are supposed to be smart, and I'll give them that; I've watched one discover my bird feeder, then "call" to the flock, who then decimate the feed. Ack!

    Another contrary critter is a billy goat; my sister had one that would get out of the fence, climb atop their car! He was cantankerous and really liked to intimidate my sister. It was sometimes amusing though, since she also had a couple geese, one that especially liked to chase her! :-)

  2. Goats are not always bad, and I have discovered Geese are NEVER good!

    I haven't a problem with black birds, though.

  3. Omg, I have LOL so many times while reading this just now!! Classic comical Firesmith :) You should really consider submitting this somewhere, like say Martha Stewart's magazine (if she still has one) I bet it'd make her have an aneurysm!

    Just one thing Mike-Please tell me where you got your research on this:

    "The cacophony of the goose speech is harmful to pregnant women and the elderly. Most birth defects are caused by geese. Where there are geese the incident of alcohol and drug abuse rises. It was geese who were keeping the protesters in Egypt at bay. Oppressive governments have always used geese to suppress freedom." :) This is hilarious :)

    Btw, what I'm getting from this is that you think geese are I right :)

  4. Research? Uh, let me get back to you on that one, please.