Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Cold Cell Fail Tale

My work phone has been missing since last Friday, and I’ve been vamping my way through this work week by telling people it was on the charger or telling them I left it in the truck, and by inviting someone to ride with me, and therefore if someone couldn’t reach me they could always reach the person sitting next to me in the truck. This is an odd thing because we went for a decade and a half without any sort of reliable field communications and the world didn’t end even once. In fact, for the better part of the existence of the Universe at large, there have been no cell phones at all, and nothing bad has ever happened to the Cosmos because of this. Other than Disco. Had we only been able to warn one another…
            My cell phone dies more often and far earlier than any cell phone known to mankind. At least this is the accusation. Trust me, if I was important enough, whoever wanted to speak to me would find a way to speak with me, and I’ve been known to get off my butt, get out of my chair, and walk clear across an entire building just to speak to someone, rather than pick up the cell and call. I do text now and again because it’s non-obtrusive and I can text while someone who I would be better off not listening to, is speaking to me in person. I have to be very careful at work because there are people who do not realize they contribute to green house gases but never a successful day.
            Land lines were invented as a ways and means to discover where you left your cell. I have both my work cell and my personal cell on my speed dial of my land line. Yet Monday morning, when I was looking for my work cell, I could not find it and calling did not help at all. I thought maybe I left it at work, so decided to look for it as surreptitiously as possible once I was there. Everyone’s phone looks the same, and if people discover you’ve lost your phone then they have already honed their skills at deception so they will leave their phone somewhere hidden and call it as you’re calling your phone to find it, so you find up looking for someone else’s phone that is not lost at all, and worse yet, if others get in on it then you can have every damn phone in the building ring expect for the one you want to find. I have a personal banner that reads, “MINE DAMMIT” and no one else has copied that, at least.
            I very distinctly remember my cell dying Thursday and thinking I would recharge it Friday, and that would knock out two hours of someone trying to reach me because I could leave it on the charger at work, which is also dangerous. Someone, and I will not mention any names here, had a charger on his desk, and a co-worker decided to borrow it without asking. Well, he came in and was going to charge his phone, but the co-worker very bluntly told him her phone was on his charger and she would be done with it in an hour or so. Someone, and I have no idea who, took her cell phone, and then rearranged the numbers in the address book so each number was someone’s number, just not the person she was calling. Considering it took an hour for the phone to charge, the person, who I have no idea might be, had an hour to play with her address book. Now, this is a fairly egregious thing to do to someone.  The woman called her supervisor and got some guy down the hall. She called the IT people who look after the cell phone stuff and got some woman in accounting. She called the person she thought had done this to her, and her mother answered the phone. So my charger doesn’t get used by other people very much.
            But I couldn’t find the phone on Friday and promptly forgot about it over the weekend. Yesterday I looked for it here, at the house, and at work and could not find it. The damn thing was gone, and I was hoping it wasn’t one of those weird, “Sorry I thought this cell phone was mine, so I picked it up and accidently left it at home when I discovered it wasn’t mine,” and that  has happened. This was after I spent the better part of a day backtracking to see where I might have left it but the person who took it couldn’t call me, ha ha.
            To punish people who lose their cells work has this weird process that is an ordeal that must be endured when an employee loses a phone. They have to fill out a form that has about three dozen questions including, “Where was the employee when the device was lost?” “What time of day did the employee lose the phone?”  “What can the employee do in the future to prevent the loss of a device?”  And my all time personal favorite, “Have we asked enough stupid questions to force the employee to Super Glue the phone to his inner thigh rather than lose it again?’
            I don’t lose things very often. We had a guy who, for reasons that escape everyone involved, who took his work cell on vacation to Florida with him and it got lost. Someone found it, called a few numbers, and they sent the phone back to the office. The phone got there before the employee got back from vacation. His supervisor didn’t tell anyone about it so when the guy came back from vacation he swore he had lost the phone at work. The supervisor pulled the phone out of his desk, still in the Fed Ex box.

            Busted.

So this evening, I contemplated my future.  It looked grim. I had looked for the phone everywhere but it was not to be found. Thursday I bought a six pack and I must have dropped the phone in with the groceries.  The phone got lodged between two bottles of beer and I forgot what I had done with it.  Damn.

Take Care,
Mike
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3 comments:

  1. That's hilarious!

    Late husband once lost his cell phone, and thought it had dropped into our large horse pasture. We walked that pasture endlessly (it seemed) and never found it. He got another cell from work, and then a couple months later, found the original cell phone behind a box in our garage where he'd dropped it!

    Not a big fan of cell phones, and find those folks in grocery stores talking on cells to be obnoxious. Or anywhere in public, for that matter. And it's dangerous too, considering how many car accidents are caused by either texting or talking on cells. The ONLY saving grace for a cell, I think, is to have one for an EMERGENCY - such as car problems away from home. Or a medical emergency. I have a TrackPhone, which is cheap and has limited minutes - just for emergencies.

    Oddly enough, the world survived eons before cells. And you know what? I can't imagine anyone who cannot go for a few hours without talking/texting on a cell - sounds like living hell to me.

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  2. I hate cell phones but I have been drawn into using one by the people around me, C.S.

    I know people who call their Blackberries "crackberries" because they can't live without the damn thing.

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  3. "Other than Disco. Had we only been able to warn one another…" Haha :) Great line!

    Hell the entire piece is excellent. You really should have a column in a newspaper, people can so relate to this kind of stuff. But then, you have to be careful about naming names...or not naming them bu it's obvious because people know where you work...nah...never mind this blog is better. If you had a column you'd probably get sued or fired :) And that was a mean, but appropriate trick you played on her!!

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