Saturday, November 5, 2011

Falling Backwards

Daylight Savings Time is made entirely of the Satan. Its bones are of the fail. It is an evil, insidious, time sucking mind warping device whose time, no pun intended, has come and gone long before we invented cell phones to keep up with the time of day. Daylight Savings Time is crack mixed with rat poison, and disseminated throughout the land, except for Arizona, where it is legal to walk around carrying a phased plasma rifle in the forty watt range. It’s not their fault those people are armed to the teeth. They have no reason to trust the rest of the country who, twice a year, pretend time is malleable.
            Daylight Savings Time is a deadly time of the year for those of us who keep company with large dogs. They trust us to be the stable and comforting forces in their lives, and to keep order in the Universe. Last Friday, time to wake up was just like it has been for as long as dogs can remember, which isn’t really that long when it comes to such things, and let’s face it, why would they have any reason to think that time might change because it doesn’t really, does it? Can you imagine how humans would react if all of the dogs and cats suddenly decided it was time to get up an hour earlier or an hour later, or if the sun came up an hour later or an hour earlier? We would freak out. We would have our pets put to sleep. We would convert to odd religions, not that any religion isn’t odd in its own weird way, and we would drink heavily, which I think humans spend an inordinate time looking for excuses to do anyway. But for something like a time change not to be related to either bourbon or god is a sign that there is something distinctly unhuman about it, isn’t it?
            In the Grand Scheme of Things, does that one hour make up the difference that trying to adjust to it screws up? What benefit do we get from truly mucking up our internal clocks twice a year? I had a co-worker who twice a year had a built in excuse for showing up late. It didn’t matter if we were “springing forward” or “falling back” this person would show up an hour late with a free pass because let’s face it, messing with time is just about the most silly thing that will come up in a conversation when discussing why someone is late.
But what purpose does this serve? We are not gaining a moment more of sunlight versus darkness. It’s going to get dark when it gets dark. We can call it five in the afternoon, six in the evening, or we can call it Al. We can call it later or we can call it Worst Idea Ever, but the bottom line is we’re just treadmilling here. The sun isn’t going to set or rise any different just because we’ve screwed around with clocks. I’ve heard that people shop more in the daylight than in the dark. So what? You really think someone is going to get off of work in the dark and not buy toilet paper because they have to turn their lights on? Oh, gee, it’s dark, I’m going home instead of buying a battery for my pacemaker. Yeah, I see where that one hour might tank the economy.
So what’s this costing us and what might it cost us? We have to hope the computers that are running our lives do not become self-aware and decide that we’re just totally screwed up and half of them go Arizona on our mixed up asses and decide not to change the time while the other half decide that we deserve ourselves, and change. But you know that won’t happen because computers are logical and smart. Unlike the hairless apes that built them while pulling at the reins of the time clock to go home, in the light, to watch dancing with the real reality island talent. We can only hope that the computers will take care of the dogs once we paralyze ourselves with silliness.
Do you think the rest of the world views this as one of our American-We-Are-Too-Good-To-Admit-We’re-Wrong situations? While we’re still trying to figure out a measurement system based on the length of someone’s foot and the universe is running on metric, we’re also trying to save daylight by fiddling with the hands of the clocks. Base ten measurements are incredibly easy, just like not messing with the clocks is also incredibly easy. But NOOOOOOOOOOOO! We’re America. We have to have our own units of measure and our own system of telling time. We might as well invent some odd hick language that no one else can understand and that defies our own rules of grammar. Oh wait, the South has already done that. Nevermind.            
Daylight Savings Time is an anachronism devised for a people who all worked the same shift during the day and all went home at night. This is a new world, a new time, in a manner of speaking, and the idea of totally screwing up everyone’s sleep pattern twice a year in the name of shopkeepers who are now open twenty-four seven shows we are a people lost in time. We are unable to adapt or change to times that change with or without our awareness. No matter if it hurts us or helps us, we have become slaves to the way that it has always been, and it literally takes an act of Congress, if that term isn’t an oxymoron, to even so much as tweak Daylight Savings Time. It’s a stupid nonproductive weird and confusing thing to arbitrarily do twice a year  just because we’ve done it for so long now we have no idea how to quit, like watching reality television shows.
            Decide where you want the hands of time. Leave them there. Time keeping is something we’ve done for ages and damned if we haven’t found a way to screw even that up.

Take Care,


  1. Typo on paragraph 2, sentence 1.
    "They trust us to me the stable.."
    should be "They trust us to be the stable..".

    Change "me" to "be".