Friday, April 13, 2012

Hawg Heaven: From Head Coach to Cockroach

My! My! My! What do we have here? Once upon a time the Atlanta Falcons hired an overrated college football coach named Bobby Petrinoto  to link up with their overrated quarterback, Mike Vick,  and between the two they were going to lead us all to the Promised Land.  The quarterback was exciting, the coach was devoted, and suddenly, the wheels came off the cart. The handles came off the cart. The axles came off the cart. The paint ran screaming from the cart, and the quarterback was arrested for, of all things on earth, dog fighting. A man who had signed a multimillion dollar contract was busted for one of the most heinous crimes that doesn’t involve the sexual exploitation of a child.
So Bobby Petrino, this coach that is such a great coach, begins to look around now that his quarterback is gone. The owner of the Falcons, Arthur Blank, calls him into his office and asks him point blank, “Are you looking to jump ship on us in this time of trouble?” and this coach, who is such a great coach goes on record to say, “I will be your coach next season.”
Twenty-four hours later Bobby Petrino, is filmed in Little Rock Arkansas where he has just been hired as head coach. He, and a room full of grown men, are raising their hands to the sky, making pig squealing noises and performing what might have otherwise been a Satanic ritual had college football not been involved. Arthur Blank finds out his coach, who is no longer his coach, by watching ESPN’s film of the hog calling ritual on television.

He who squeals last squeals loudest.

On April Fool’s Day 2012,  Petrino, wrecks his motorcycle and the police are called. His original call to his employers is that he was out for a ride on his own and wrecked. Twenty minutes before official police report is released into the wild Petrino, has to call his employer and reveal that he was not alone. On board with him was Jessica Dorrell, a woman half his age that he had talked his employers into hiring just weeks before, over 152 other candidates. This is a woman he has given twenty thousand dollars in cash to before, and this woman who isn’t his wife, has been making tons and tons of phones calls to him, he to her, and many more texts over at least the last seven months, at least.

In the most greatest and sweetest of ironies, the same institution that initiates their head coaches into employment by filling a large room with grown men squealing like pigs and raising their hands in the air in some sort of pseudo-religious rite has also “do not embarrass us” clause in their coach’s contracts.

Petrino was fired.

From 3.5 million a year to zero in one blonde.

Take Care,