Sunday, July 7, 2013

The Fire That Was and The Fire To Be.

There is no wisdom in trying to start a fire with brush that has been rained on every day for the last three weeks or so, and some of that heavy rain.  But at the same time that heavy rain has caused green branches to fall because they are so heavy with moisture.  Today I find a massive bushy limb with really green leaves all over it and this all has to go onto the fire pile once I get it off the fence.

I’m lucky the dogs didn’t find it first because it flattened the fence low enough for the dogs to jump over it. The first problem was moving it. That was solved through straight brute force which I don’t have a surfeit of to begin with.  Okay, then what to do with it? I do have a chain saw but let’s face it; getting someone over to help me would take as long as using an axe and I like using an axe a lot more than I like using a chainsaw. I like my axe.

There are five main bushy branches coming off the limb and I cut there off first and drag them to the pile for future disassembly.  I have to make three cuts on the big limb to make it small enough to drag them all off and with the humidity at ten billion and six point five percent it’s a lot like trying to hack through a rainforest with a butter knife. Worse, the branches on the limb are springy and they’ve got the main branch in a bind. I have to hack them off first and I have to watch where the main branch is going to go when I do. Of course, using an axe means this goes slowly but it also means it goes with more safety. And the dogs can watch from the shade.

There are a few things you may notice I never talk about in detail here; my work, my family, and my personal relationships. Anything else I write about can be questioned or talked about but those are three subjects I’m not willing to share a lot of information on. Suffice it to say, however, I’m suffering from Post-Traumatic Personal Life Meltdown right now that has to do with one of those three categories. I need to hit something with an axe repeatedly for an extended about of time. This is working out because this is a truly massive limb.

Exhaustion brings a certain amount of clarity and gives the mind time to settle into some rhythmic work. I’ve come to the conclusion that long term relationships and the internet are two mutually exclusive creatures for many reasons. At the end of the day if two people cannot communicate face to face then there isn’t much hope for resolution. The distance is an escape hatch in troubled times.  Even extended stays have an expiration date on them, much like the work week does, and no matter how bad things get you know there is always Friday. But there isn’t a Friday on this limb I’m hacking away on and I have to finish the task at hand. Relationships ought to be that way too; there ought not to be some sort of end point or a date defining the end, or it will.

Yes, I know that I am at this point comparing interpersonal relationships to cutting a tree apart with an axe. But I’m frustrated, mad, and I have a limb to dispose of this very day.

Getting advice from me on relationships would be like getting some sort of inside information on how to survive clashes with Native Americans from Custer. Knowing that you’ve lost and lost big doesn’t mean you’ve learned anything at all, and in point of fact, considering the emotional mess most people are after a divorce, I’d say the odds were very distinctly against anyone learning anything from a relationship sinking any more than the Captain of the Titanic learned anything about Navigation Of Ice Fields At Night.

The springy limbs have to be sectioned again once I get them to the burn pile, did you notice I no longer call it a “firepit”? That’s because the fuel has filled up the basin and has overflowed to the point I can now look forward to a Russian Spy Satellite mistaking my fire for a nuke launch.  I hope I can burn this thing before all those leaves totally turn brown or they’ll go up like they’re soaked in napalm.  I like the smell of napalm in the morning; it smells like my life.

I don’t have a kill switch on this activity and it does occur to me that high humidity coupled with stress and cutting wood with an axe is enough to cause me to overheat. But work is what you do when you have to and exercise is what you do when you can, and I can.  The muscles all over my body get to come and play on this one. My back, my arms, my legs, and my cardio system are all getting blown out by this sort of work. It’s hard, grinding, hot work but this is what makes it what it is; I need the release. I need to find that place where exhaustion takes me down past emotion, past hope, past anger, and leaves nothing behind but the need to drink water and write.

This is as close as I get to having a religion.

I’m still mad. I’m mad at me because I don’t seem to get it. I don’t understand it. I’m not an easy person to be with and I know it but like Custer, I have to take an arrow through the heart before I realize something is amiss.  The whole damn thing about being with someone seems to slip past me like trying to do rocket surgery with an axe.

As soon as things dry out there will be a fire. And as always, I’ll find myself smitten by some woman with a good smile and a nice conversation and I’ll lead a Cavalry charge into the iceberg once again.

But right now, I need the clarity of my religion.

Take Care,



  1. Like I said before, there are no words I can say...except I'm sorry you are hurting, you deserve better.

  2. There was hope at the end and maybe I saw a smile. You haven't allowed this to completely dampen your spirits.

    You're a foolish soul, like the rest of us, what makes you think you're privileged in this way not to be. You will fall again, as certain as your branches, and as naturally too. There is a Friday but a heart on fire doesn't see it for the smoke.

    You had an axe to grind and with that there never is a kill switch until the sweat confuses itself with tears and the salt from both makes you stop and drink the water. That's what love is -- the water.

    1. Let me get some coffee in me and then I might be able to understand more of what you have written.

      But I like it.

  3. Just had my first cup. Working late these days. I see grammar needs addressing. Love, like fire, is something that burns in us, maybe forever. It's something, like water, that we'll always seek out. Those that remain hopeful will welcome it, those that have been burnt won't.

    Your branches may be bent but they're not broken. That's the good news.

    1. Nearly everything is much better after coffee, I think.

      And thanks.

  4. Instead of another dog, you should consider a beaver. The 4 legged kind.