If you can’t get Tim Burton and Johnny Depp into a project that involves a 70’s vampire soap opera then you might as well write it off because without those two it’s going to be a horrible mess. As it turns out, even with those two, it is still a horrible mess. “Dark Shadows” is one of those movies that is every bit as wretched as the reviews suggest that it is.
But how can this be? The movie has Eva Green and Michelle Pfeiffer cast in it. Those two alone, even in a mediocre movie ought be able to pull off a memorable scene or two, right?
You’d be wrong and I was too.
But the movie has Alice Cooper in it and surely that alone would be enough to pull the movie off the bottom shelf of the last VHS rental store in the suburbs of Moose Eye Montana, but no. Alice Cooper cannot save this film for it was already undead before he put on his strait jacket.
You want to know what kills this film? Karen Carpenter. The number of people who want to go to a vampire movie and then have to listen to Karen Carpenter sing an entire song would equal the same number of people who think “Dark Shadows” was the best movie ever. The song drags out like fingernails across the back of a hyena covered in excrement. No movie can survive five minutes under the mute button. No movie should try.
Remember the film “Juno”? That was one of those movies where the soundtrack was allowed to run free and even in a very good movie it can be a distraction. But for a movie that is already wounded by bad writing it’s like a stake in the heart, so to speak.
Yet it only gets worse. The whole build up to the end just limps along with the excitement of watching a gerbil on a wheel. The physics of the movie’s world doesn’t seem to make sense even to the characters. The ending is meh, meh, and then there is the climatic meh at the end where we are threatened with a meh sequel.
I’m happy I didn’t pay good money to see this movie and I am sorry I wasted two hours of my life and a Netflix pick watching it.