Saturday, December 7, 2013

It's Three AM; Do you know where your Manson Family is???

Maybe it was a sound. Maybe it was something that moved where nothing should be. Maybe it was nothing where something should be. But I was up and moving before I was awake and that caused a few things to happen all at once.

If she isn’t anything else, Lilith is pit. The intensity stored in those dog’s souls won’t let them ever be good paperweights when something is happening. Engage the Borg! Lilith is up and off the bed at the first sign that something is wrong; light and springy, Lilith launches herself onto the floor and even though she hasn’t a clue as to what’s happening, my girl is ready.

Lucas? Eh, not so much. He raises his head and looks at me. I’m pinned by over a hundred pounds of still sleepy mutt. Were there something going on, surely he would have gotten the memo. Sam stumbles across the room, blind and lost. I’ve got one set of eyes and one set of ears on the floor and other than that, I got nothing.

Bert was a hammer. Nothing happened without his express written approval and he couldn’t write. What he could do was vocalize his disapproval with a voice that sounded like it was coming out of a much larger beast, let’s say, a cave bear.  It was a war cry. It was an announcement of intent. Whatever you thought was going to happen, if you came up on our property, that bark signaled a change in plans. When Bert dropped that hammer down the world was a different place. Instead of that hammer I have a little girl dog who looks confused, an old man who has just stumbled into the bookshelf and a Loki Lump that hasn’t bothered to stand up yet. I turn on the light and everyone yawns, in unison.

I push Lucas off the bed and he barely is able to catch his balance before he falls.

Meanwhile, remember that I woke up suddenly? The Manson Family is waiting outside the door, allowing us plenty of time to get on our feet and prepare to repel boarders. Lilith is standing at the bedroom door, my only real defense at this time. Not to make light of an eighteen month old Pibbilated Princess, mind you, but if a man owns the better part of two hundred and fifty pounds of tame wolf he ought to expect for at least fifty pounds of defense out of it, shouldn’t he?

Susan Atkins sends me a text wanting to know if they have time to go get a bite to eat before we’re ready. By all means, take your time.

Lucas sneezes and looks at me in hopes that I’m going back to sleep. Sooner would be better than later. Sam puts a paw on the bed and whines. Okay, let’s have a group hug before we start thinking about why we are all awake at three in the damn morning. Lilith, is still at the bedroom room but she’s sitting now, back to the darkness, wondering if I’m getting up, staying down, is there food to be had, are the dogs going out, but none of these are security related questions, are they?

Squeaky is braiding hair and humming to herself to stay busy, by all means, we still have all the time in the world, don’t we?

Maybe my training program to weed out aggression in the animals has gone a wee bit too far, do you think? But then again, what exactly am I asking for here? Did I, or did I not hear something? I have to push Sam to one side before I can stand up and Lucas comes over to help, which means I have most of the mass of dog between me and the door, very good, but they’re jockeying for position for petting, not protection. Lilith joins us and bitey face breaks out.  I put my palm on my face and it seems a good thing.

Why am I up? Why propelled me into a sitting position at this time of night? I bet you’re all wondering why I called you here together.

Sadie has to go to the bathroom. This will turn ugly.

I turn the light off and realize that the dogs are more of a problem in the dark than they are a solution. No one has gone into the living  room to see if there are several crazed killers on the porch, and it’s not that I really think there might be, but I shouldn’t be the first set of feet out there. With the lights out I can see out better than someone could see in. The dogs think they’re going out so they head for the back door and no one even so much as glances at the front door.

Uh, Mike, do you think they might not be reacting because there isn’t anything for them to react to in the first place?

That thought gives me real pause because there I was nearly sure there was a reason for me to be standing naked in the living room staring off into the night. I didn’t pick the shotgun up, so if I am going to fault the dogs for not barking, what the hell was I going to do if Tex was out there? Oh, I was right, you’ve come to murder me, might I take a moment to arm myself properly? Oh, thank you, you are too kind, would you also allow me to change the shot to double ought? That would be splendid! I shall be right back and I shan’t keep you waiting the more.

Of course, the sight of a nude fifty-three year old man bumbling around the living room just might stop someone in their tracks. Do you really want to be in the same room with this guy? Perhaps not.

I let the dogs out and then wait for their return. The stars are out and they are beautiful. The dogs return and we go back to bed, my heart rate slowly returning to normal, somewhat. The moment has passed. We are all safe. Lucas snores in the night but I still wonder what in the hell that was all about.

Take Care,



  1. Never mind, Dad, we've check the situation out before you even cleared the cobwebs. Now go back to quietly generating heat.

  2. I would have paid money to have seen that!