Monday, January 27, 2014

The Battle Of the Mutt Butts

The Battle of the Butts continues and as in any war there has been collateral damage. In this particular case, the collateral damage would be me. This all started out on Sunday afternoon, when I put Sam on his loveseat. Sam has his own piece of furniture because he is old and spindly. Sam tends to snarl at anyone who gets near him when he’s elevated so he has to have a place of his own. I’m not afraid that Sam will actually bite one of the younger dogs but I do have a certain unease as to his future if one of the younger dogs takes him seriously. So Sam gets his own place and I usually cover him with a towel because as an old dog he gets cold easily. There is something very comforting in seeing an ancient dog wrapped up against the cold.

Back in the day, no dogs, no dogs at all, were allowed on the sofa. This rule stayed in effect for well over a decade and the sofa was one place I could lie down and nap without dog snores or gas attacks. His first day here, his very first day here, Lucas wanted to sleep on the bed with me. Of course, it was August and it was hotter than forty hells, but I let him up on the bed which meant that Bert and Sam was going to joins us and I wound up turning the AC down to sixty to survive the body heat.

Then Lucas decided he wanted to lie on top of me when I was on the sofa. This became a humorous thing because Lucas was small and cute. Finally, one day I relented and allowed Lucas to sleep on top of me, technically not on the sofa mind you, and it was a good thing. But that was eighty pounds ago. Lucas is now very large. Lucas also hasn’t figured out that an animal who weighs twenty pounds more than my girlfriend can’t sleep on top of me. That hurts his feelings somewhat because I used to cuddle with him and he misses it. But he found a Place of Honor beside me on the sofa and that was his place.

For the last year and a half or so Lilith has been more than happy to sleep wherever she can, to sit wherever I allow her, and she’s damn grateful for it too. Lilith is a polite little Pibble Princess and she doesn’t like to be a bother at all. There for a while she wouldn’t even get up on the bed or the sofa until after Lucas had taken his spot. I have no idea what changed or when it changed or why it changed but suddenly Lilith wants to be beside me like Lucas usually is.

A couple of weeks ago I sat down on the sofa to watch a football game and Lilith joined me without a bit of hesitation. I knew Lucas wouldn’t be ecstatic about his sister’s trespassing but I never imagined he would just sit in front of us and stare. But stare Lucas did. Lucas sat with his head on my leg, waiting, waiting, waiting, and I was able to video him doing this. It took forever for my leg to finally fall asleep and I had to get up.

Now yesterday I was going to watch “The Godfather” and Lilith sprang up on the sofa right in front of Lucas, right under his nose. Far too late, he reacted by leaping on the sofa and he sat down, half on Lilith and half on me. Lilith hunkered down for the long haul. She wasn’t moving a damn inch. Lucas wiggled back and forth until I was pressed against the side of the sofa, being squeezed like a pimple. He was trying to push Lilith away and he was trying to push me over, and try as he might, nothing worked.

I was being crushed so I got up and moved. Lucas followed which led Lilith to believe she had inherited the Kingdom Of Heaven. She rolled over on her back and all four legs were lifted skyward.

Oh. Kay. Dough. Kay.

Now, mind you there is no snarling, no growling, no harsh words exchanged, no Richard Sherman type bitch slapping done in the manner of Trent Williams, no nothing at all like that. It’s mutt mass against mutt mass, butt against butt, and neither side seems willing to give an inch of ground in the name of peace or sleep.

So at bedtime Lilith springs into action once more, claiming the spot next to me. What am I to do? I don’t love Lucas more than I do Lilith and I can’t tell her that she has to be delegated to the foot of the bed, even though she’s slept peacefully there all her life. Lucas, in a rare display of ignoring the problem doesn’t get on the bed at all. I can hear him snoring away on the floor and I assume that is that. Lilith is now the Princess of the Pillow and the issue has been resolved, right?

Yeah, right.

So I’m nearly asleep when Lucas decided to do a little recon mission. This consists of Lucas, all one hundred twenty pounds of Lucas, putting his front paws on the edge of the bed and staring at the scene of carnage down below; there is the place of honor, invaded, desecrated, occupied by enemy forces, and there are no vacancies. I move over and invite him to sleep where I usually sleep and that isn’t enough. He has to get there and push me even further away. I have well over one hundred pounds of canine nearly sitting on my head. Lilith pushes back. I’m trapped, trapped like a rat, I tell you.

This goes on until I fall asleep but at two in the morning Lucas awakens and steps over me to stare at Lilith. I push them both off the bed. It’s like pushing a piano up a hill. It’s like the Sleeping Dead or trying to move Mutt Mountain. Both of them land hard but I do not care at all. No. More. Dogs. On. The. Bed. EVER!

At three I can hear Lilith and Sam snoring but Lucas is staring. You know, I could break any terrorist on earth if I could just get Lucas to stare at him. Lucas’ eyes bores holes in me through the darkness and I know, truly know, he will be sitting there until I get up or until I surrender. I must stand strong. I must reclaim my own turf here. I am the pack leader. I am the Alpha Dog! I will… then I noticed that it is a lot colder without the dogs on the bed. Damn. A whole lot colder.

So Lucas gets his spot, Lilith gets her old spot, and I get my spot and we all sleep again. I have no idea why this is happening but I do know as soon as it warms up they are both hitting the floor full time.

I hope.

Take Care,



  1. Is it colder than normal down there?

    1. Not really THAT cold, but it was cold until yesterday which was very warm. Tomorrow they say it will snow,