Saturday, October 25, 2014

The Childless Man Bitches About Kids Again

I never go into one of those Big Chain Stores because I feel like I’m making a cash donation to everything that is wrong with this world. A customer ought to have some sort of identity and so should the people who work there. In those big stores the underpaid and badly treated workers act as if the customer is part of the problem and they would be right. I know this. But I went in anyway, because I need to buy in bulk.

It’s a weird little quirk I have and I have no idea where it came from or when I developed it, but somehow or another I get really stressed out when I run low on toilet paper. If I have less than a six pack on the shelf I feel like I’ll forget one day and there I will be, stranded. Six rolls will last me months, I know, I do know this. But today I checked and there was only three. Three? It’s time to panic. Oh, and I was down to one bar of soap. I like to buy soap in bulk because I go through a lot of it. OCD? Maybe. Why do you ask?

Starbucks is also a quirk. I like to go in and write while drinking coffee. Coffee! They have the very best coffee ever. Strong coffee with real espresso in it and odd people talking loud enough for me to listen in and write about them later. It also makes me pee a lot. Believe or not, this is why I asked you here today.

So there I am, in the bathroom of the Big Store and as far as cleanliness goes it’s somewhere between that gooey stuff between your toes when you haven’t taken your Army boots off after a week in a foxhole and a stain on a bed sheet in a hotel that rents rooms at ten minute increments. And there are two little boys playing in the bathroom. On the floor of the bathroom. My mother would have set fire to me to cleanse me if she had caught me in there and then she would have soaked my ashes in Clorox for a week. So one of the little boys sees that I am wearing my bush hat and he comes over to me and asks me if I am a cowboy. Uh, no, I am not, it’s a bush hat not a cowboy hat. And he’s standing right there beside me and there is no way in hell I’m going to pee in front of a kid, so I ask him to step away, please, so I can pee. He’s clearly very interested in my bodily functions.

Where. Is. His. Fucking. Parents?

So I get him shooed away from me and he and his brother play in the sink, pushing the water taps open and seeing how much water they can get the sink to hold my blocking the drain with their hands. This will end poorly. I must flee this place. Yippie ki-yay!


Okay. I have a coupon for a nearly free oil change and go to the oil change place. There in the waiting room, which is the size of a hall closet, is a man and a woman holding hands in two of the four chairs, and the other two chairs are six kids piled on top of each other. The woman at the counter tells me that it’s coupon day, clearly, and the wait time is an hour and a half, at least, because they’re really busy. One of the kids begins to wail. But their other store across town is also accepting coupons. I can see it in her eyes; Take me with you! Why would anyone take that many kids to get an oil change? Knowing how long the wait is, couldn’t you drop off one parent and the kids in bathroom in a Big Store?

Totally irrelevant and completely off subject, the other oil change place is not nearly as busy and there are no kids there. On the odd side of things, there is a condom floating in the toilet. I have no idea, don’t ask, I really do not want to know. The idea of oil change place sex may excite some people, or maybe, you know, nevermind.


When it gets right down to it, actually, the two people having sex in the oil change place bathroom where just about the most responsible two people I ran into, considering all things. If there were two people in there having sex they did so in a manner that might help prevent there being kids on that bathroom floor one day, or any bathroom floor for that matter.

Take Care,

Mike

2 comments:

  1. Do you work for National Geographic, with all those exotic locals, and fascinating natives?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never thought to alert them to the existence of such, but now that it comes up...

      Delete