Tuesday: The single cup of coffee I had yesterday made no discernable difference in how I slept, or didn’t sleep last night, and the bark collar I bought for Marco didn’t work. At three he started barking and so I let the girls out and that seemed to help, but I couldn’t sleep anyway. I did get in five miles at the gym yesterday but it took most of what I had and it went very slowly. It’s a very bleak existence not to sleep, not to have coffee in abundance, and to have a dog that will not stop barking very late at night.
I quit my sleep meds Friday. Sooner or later, and it might as well be sooner than later, I’m going to have to find a way out of this without medication. Chemically induced sleep isn’t going to work in the long run and it’s getting to the point that the long run has already begun. However, I noticed this weekend that I pounded down five cups of coffee before lunch and made some more after lunch, too. It’s time to just stop everything for a while and see what happens.
The one thing that has happened that is positive is that I had a really intense dream Sunday night that has led to some really good writing. The downside is I’m too sluggish to write well and I’m also getting a little snappish with people with whom I have to repeat myself. Yes, that’s what I said a minute ago, yes, a minute later that is still what I meant, yes, now, as in don’t make me said it again.
Many years ago when I was drinking to excess more often than not I had no trouble sleeping at all. I could sleep twelve hours a day if left to my own devices. I could also stay up all night, or sleep all night, and it all depended on what I wanted to do not what I had to do. Now if I drink four beers I’ll sleep for a couple of hours and after that I’m as wide awake as if I had slammed down four shots of espresso and looked at a positive pregnancy test from a one night stand. This is something totally incomprehensible to me, really. Shouldn’t alcohol knock me out?
There are two very vivid indicators about my mental state of being when I am awake. The first is how badly traffic bothers me. I know when I get into a truck that I’m going to encounter a great deal of stupid on the road. In the daytime people never use their blinkers and they cut other people off in traffic. At night people refuse to believe that their brights bother other drivers. When I feel like mounting a fifty caliber machine gun with a remote control on my steering wheel for it I know that I very likely shouldn’t speak to many people on that day. The second indicator is how much time my mind spends in an endless cycle of trying to blame everything going on right now on everything that has happened in the past. If I can’t stop the churning and the desire to see that guy who cut me off just to make a left turn watching his car burn because a hundred rounds of AP just made friends with his engine block, I know better than to have that serious talk with a friend about how annoying she is when she makes fun of my accent.
Day Three; “When the going gets weird the weird turn pro.” Hunter S Thomason.
When I’m early for work, which is usual, invariably some moron who is trying to kill us both will ride twenty centimeters from my bumper. I usually start slowly down, very gradually, until he either passes me or we’re going down the road at a leisurely sixty kilometers and hour. On those rare occasion when I am running late I’ll get behind someone doing a fast walk with their car, and usually this involves there being three or four people queued up behind the turtle so there’s no chance to pass even if I was so inclined, which I’m not, generally.
You’ll notice that traffic is really bothering me right now. To make matter worse, this is the time of year when “Hickstock” occurs to people are driving even more like morons and there are a lot more of them out on the road a lot earlier. Every year hundreds of thousands of people descend on Moultrie Georgia to look at farm equipment. There’s a vast field where all of the implements Agriculture are lined up, and generally speaking, people who couldn’t afford one payment on one of these monsters, line up to see them. Cars and trucks are stacked up for miles and miles and people who normally might be headed to Wal Mart are now looking at tractors.
“Yeeeeeee Hawwwww, Imma, gonna look at me some tractors!”
Yeah, there is more to it but there sure as hell isn’t a lot more to it.
The sad part in all of this is those people are actually visiting a cemetery for the family farm. There’s no way one family could afford any of that stuff. It’s an industry now and the people running it care a lot more about profits than they do people. They use a lot more poisons than my grandfather did when he was farming and no one knows who grows their food anymore. There was a time you knew exactly who grew all the food you ate and you knew those people all of your life.
No coffee today. This sucks.
Monday I had one cup. Tuesday I had a cup of coffee and what was left in the pot, maybe a half cup. But today, none, nothing, in a nada devitta. I feel a little better today than I did yesterday but today I’ve been able to steal some alone time at lunch and that always makes me feel better.
I figure most of the bad stuff that goes on inside your head usually plateaus out in three or four days. Car wrecks, drunken stupidity, things that came out of your mouth and things that you put into your mouth, I think all things human build up to where they’ll be in three days, four maybe. I’m trying to talk my mind and body into giving up caffeine and neither are very happy and it’s been three days.
Can I make it to December?