Friday, November 27, 2015

A$$holes (Rated R for language)

First off, given the title of this essay, I would like to introduce my fuel gauge as an asshole of the First Order. After I drive two hundred miles, my fuel gauge announces that I have used but a quarter of the gas in my tank. This means I can drive another five hundred, ninety-nine miles without refueling but my gas gauge is an asshole. After fifty more miles it tells me that I have used up more than a half a tank.

During the last two days I have driven over seven hundred fifty miles. Other than my fuel gauge outright lying to me, I’ve decided there are two devices that ought to be mandatory in all vehicles and the use of these two devices ought to be enforced to the point that getting a ticket for not using either would be expensive to the extreme. Or someone ought to drag the drivers out and beat them with a cane.

The first are turn signals, also known as blinkers, because very clearly there are those drivers out there who cannot seem to fathom the idea that they are used to indicate a change in lane or an advanced warning for a turn. One thing I learned in the last seven hundred and fifty miles is there are a lot of people on the interstate that either have no turn signal, which they need to get fixed, or they have one and haven’t been shown how to use it, which they need to learn, or they know how to use it, it does work, but they choose not to engage their turn signals in a timely basis or not at all.


The second device I think ought to be mandatory is cruise control. An odd pick, you might think, for most were thinking of an automatic plasma rifle in the forty watt range, but no, cruise control. Here’s why:  I left South Carolina this morning an hour before dawn to beat some of the worst traffic. Basically, at that time if day you’ll have fewer human being and by default, fewer assholes. I’m cruising along in the middle lane of three, when this minivan come out from the far right lane and cuts me off causing me to have to hit my brakes. They acerbate the situation by immediately slowing down. Why? Because they’re assholes, that’s why. If they had cruise control or knew how to use a turn signal things might have been better, but things were worse because as they passed me they, and myself, began climbing a hill. This caused them to slow down. So I passed them, because now they’re going five miles an hour slower than I am. Once we get going downhill, you guessed it! They passed me again.


Now, as dawn began to break I noticed a bumper sticker, as they passed me for the third time, that read “I Love Saint Jude’s” and I wonder if they thought about their own kids climbing around in that minivan while the driver engaged in some fairly wicked assholery. Finally, I camped out in the Hammer Lane, and watched them go back and forth with another truck in the middle and slow lanes. This went on from South Carolina until I finally had enough and pulled into a rest stop in Georgia. No kidding, this went on for about an hour with the driver of the minivan not realizing he was changing speeds faster than Donald Trump insults people.



Let’s also have an honorable mention to the Asshole who pulled up behind me at a gas station with ten gazillion other pumps, three quarters of which were not being used. No, he had to pull up behind me, with a foot of my truck, and then looked at me as if I were holding him up or something. Of course, if my fuel gauge wasn’t an asshole, this wouldn’t have happened, would it?

And then there was the Asshole who passed me from the Hammer lane while I was in the middle lane, and just as soon as he realized there was a BIG FUCKIN RV in the slow lane he had to lock’em down and duck back behind me, nearly clipping me. YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT HUGE FUCKING RV? REALLY?


And at last, let’s not forget the semi, who once I was off the Interstate, passed me on the back two lane road that is supposed to be safer and slower, passed the tractor ahead of me who (asshole) was doing about twenty, and nearly killed hit the car that I was waiting to go past before I passed the tractor. A half mile ahead are train tracks which, because he’s a tanker truck, has to stop at anyway.


This concludes my commentary on other drivers. Thank you.

Take Care,



  1. Turn signals let you know what they might do, but assuming they are going to follow through is serious mistake. You have to watch for the little nuances that telegraph their next move.

    Cruise control is the work of the Devil, one of the worst things ever. It allows assholes to drive without paying attention. You’re set on say 60, and approach a truck doing 55, so you change lanes(using your blinky of course) and pass the truck. When you feel your safely passed the truck you change lanes again(using your blinky) in front of the truck. Good for you Mr Safe driver, however did it ever occur to you that passing with a 5mph differential tied up the passing lane for 10 god damn miles. People who “camp in the hammer lane” should be dragged out and beat with a cane.

    1. Cruise Control was made of the Gods of the Road. Your heresy is noted.

    2. People using cruise control think they're gods of the road.

    3. We're just enlightened. Come to the cruise side. We have cookies.

    4. Of course you have cookies, a membership card in the Left Lane Bandits, and a hundred other things to keep you distracted from situational awareness, then wonder why that cop/ambulance/firetruck that's been following you for miles with lights and siren looked miffed passing you when you accidentally got the hell out of the way.

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  3. I'm so anal, I use my blinkers in parking lots.