Tuesday, December 15, 2015

I Hate Christmas

 In eleven days it will all be over. Christmas 2015, which started back in late August, will finally start winding down. It will take a few weeks for all the decorations to be taken down and put away, and after months of the frenzy building to a greater and greater point of obscenity, we will begin dreading next Christmas, which will like start right after the 4th of July. I’m at a loss to explain this to you, really. But I feel as if someone, somewhere, has to make a stand against Christmas, and even if I am the lonely light in the darkness, someone has to be.

I hate Christmas.

I fucking hate Christmas.

More than anything else it’s the waste. Each and every roll of wrapping paper will wind up in a landfill after being used for one day. Cardboard boxes, bubble wrap, blister packages, plastic bags, tape, bows, ribbons, all of this stuff is landfill fodder and the day after Christmas there’s trashcans everywhere filled to overflowing with cheap plastic shit from China that will fester in the ground for  centries. Worse, infinitely worse, most of the things that came in that packaging will soon follow. Christmas is capitalism’s yearly bowel movement. Mostly it lands on us all. It hits some more than other, but it infects everyone with the urge to do it all again next year.

The waste of food is as bad as the waste of paper, plastic, and cheap shit from China. People gorge themselves during this time of year, over and over again, stuffing themselves in an orgy of harmful food and alcoholic drinks that ensures that the hangover that begins on December the 26th lasts for months. The waste of money, the way people drain themselves trying to buy presents, cannot be matched by any other event. People will bankrupt themselves and their families trying to buy the next greatest Barbie or Star Wars toys.

The thing that bothers me the most is we are teaching our kids that all of this, the waste, the stress, the manic need for more, is a religious celebration.

In Christ’s name we prey, Amen.

If you really want to know how bad all of this truly is then all you have to do is speak with someone who works retail. Ask someone who works in a store on Black Friday what people become when a television goes on sell. Ask a clerk what people are like when they have to return something or something isn’t exactly right or, heaven forbid, there’s some sort of problem with a credit card. Consumers become vicious, inhumane, and cannibalistic. It’s everyone for themselves at the Mall and all the generosity we can muster is half a handful of change tossed into a red kettle. That’s it. Once we hit that parking lot it’s life or death getting a space and there’s that grim satisfaction of having a spot better than someone else, and you can brag about it at the office. Meanwhile, think of the irony of a Wal Mart employee who isn’t making enough to live off of yet has to face hundreds of people a day snarling about having to wait in line to buy things the people bagging the items cannot afford to buy. And for eight hours a day they have to face this.

For those of us in Dog Rescue we know what’s coming next. Every natural disaster means people will flee their sanity and abandon their pets. Christmas is no different. People don’t want to travel to grandma’s house for the holidays so they’ll drop their ten year old Irish setter off at the local shelter where it will be killed in three days because there’s eleventy billion people doing the same goddam thing right now. People will simply leave home with a dog chained to a tree and hope it’s still alive when they get back. They’ll leave their pets outside so company won’t have to deal with the animals and don’t worry they won’t freeze because they are wearing a fur coat. People will pull up to animal shelters and just tie their dogs to whatever is outside and leave. The people inside those shelter are watching mass murder in the name of Christ’s birthday party. Those people are teaching their kids that love is expendable and when an animal becomes inconvenient to the holidays it is perfectly acceptable to drop it off in the middle of nowhere and never look back.

In Jesus’ name we slay. Amen.

I don’t want to hear about how this is such a great time for everyone to get together and how you haven’t seen Uncle Charlie since last year because it isn’t worth it. The damage that is done this time of year isn’t outweighed by pretty lights or watching the same thing on television you did as a child. The environment is getting raped, people are throwing their money away for no good reason, we’re drinking and eating too much, and people are killing their pets. This happens every year. This happens every damn year.

There isn’t a god. There is no Jesus. There isn’t some old man in a bathrobe and a shepherd’s crook looing down over this mess and promising to make it all better one day. No deity or god worth its weight in lightning bolts would sit around and watch this sort of blasphemy in its name and simply let it go. If there was a god there would be some sort of reckoning by now if for no other reason than to keep some poor kid from waking up and thinking he was bad and that’s why Santa skipped over his house and landed in some rich kid’s yard with a bike. It’s obscene what we teach kids about Christmas and it is a lie.

The whole thing is a lie. It’s a made up event to sell you things you don’t want or need or enjoy and give things to other people you cannot afford and give kids a sense of entitlement they haven’t earned or a sense of worthlessness they do not deserve.

You want a war on Christmas? It started the second Black Friday became something that was more important than the day before it was.

And have a happy New Year,



  1. Merry Christmas, Mike!

    Sorry, I couldn't resist. I have been withdrawing from these holidays since before became an adult. Like religion itself, forcing this upon me every year tends to make me withdraw myself even more. I'd love to skip the holidays altogether. Why can't I skip them entirely? Expectations of loved ones. But, of course, I've been lowering their holiday expectations of me for years now.

  2. Christmas when I was child was a joyous occasion, we may not have had many presents but we got to gather for once
    a year and celebrated our love for each other. The same person who ruined Christmas me ruined it for you. Love Mom