Having the Flu is a lot like having a tattoo that fades out in a week or so, maybe longer, but in this case the after affects are not so much visual as emotional and physical. I live alone so when I’m feeling like I’m about to die there is this odd fear, an old familiar thing, that I might die out here and it will be X amount of days before anyone notices. Friday I picked the phone up twice to call an ambulance to come get me and take me to the hospital. I would not have called a friend to drive me anywhere with this stuff in the same car.
The frailty of my body is disheartening.
A female friend of mine got ticked at me once for tickling her and I could tell she was more than just a little pissed off at me and she tried to pin me to the floor for it. She had a good twenty pounds on me but it was not working pounds, not usable muscle and I pretended for a moment that she was winning and then simply flipped her over. She clearly believed she was about to pin me. Then she got serious about getting out from under me but at that point she realized I was toying with her. I worked for a living. I did hard physical labor ten to twelve hours a day and I was in great shape. She was a college student who walked to school to get exercise. What really hurt her feelings is that even though she hadn’t done her body any favors she expected it to respond when she had an emotional response. She told me this and without thinking I said, “I sure hope you can summon that during sex” what was NOT the thing to say at that time. I let her up and she popped me. And even that wasn’t what she expected. I think that was her bridge burning moment with me, an event that was going to let me know just how mad I had made her and she was going to do something about it. But I pretty much expected it, moved fast enough so that even if I got hit it wasn’t like taking a direct hit, and I laughed at her, even though the punch had hurt somewhat. I think that was her moment of realization that men could be very dangerous creatures for a lot of reasons and being mad at a man because he did something inappropriate didn’t translate into being able to control that man through anger, unless he permitted it.
Demanding that your body react to the flu in accordance with your desires is a lot like demanding from it that you take out someone stronger than you with sheer willpower.
The woman and I sat down with a lot of beer one night and she told me she was sorry that she had swung on me and I told her I had earned it, and she told me that she liked that I tickled her but only to a degree and that tickling past that point was assault. I agreed and even though I had her permission to tickle her to some degree I stopped altogether.
The flu takes away your ability to decide what to do next with your body and your life. For the last week I’ve cancelled social meetings, stopped going out in public, and washed my hands a thousand times. I missed three days of work and a couple of hours here and there. I’m more than a little pissed about it,
The woman and I were really drunk when she told me that what really made her mad was the fact that she wanted me to put my hands on her sometimes but when I tickled her it made her nervous about my hands getting close to her body. I was a little startled at this information and realized that I had been missing some subtle clues as to which way she was leaning when we were drunk together.
I think what she was really trying to say is that by tickling her first I was making her surrender to that sensation or the promise that would stop before anything else started, and she would have rather not gone through that to get to where she wanted to go.
That’s why I told people, shouted at them out of a window a few times, that I had the flu and to stay away. Only one person told me that it wasn’t an issue but I got away from that situation anyway. You can’t say yes to something bad to get to something good and there not be some sort of abrogation of freewill. At least when you don’t how really bad it is.
I went for a walk at lunch today and put a mile in and decided to quit. Yes, one mile, walking. I was glad I did for a few minutes later I felt the fatigue return but I got my mile in. Tomorrow I’m going to try for two and work myself back into the shape I once was in before this all started. I still feel bad but I feel a lot less bad than a few days ago just not as good as I would like.
I don’t think we talk enough about the things we do and how those things we do affect the free will of people we’re trying to influence. I think it says a lot more about me that someone who wanted to sleep with me had to get wasted to tell me than it does about her. That was a very, very long time ago, but I don’t remember ever asking her how she felt about it or how it made her feel.
When you can’t do anything but feel as bad as a human being can feel and then you start feeling worse, these thoughts will come to visit you.
Pity they didn’t arrive sooner.